Category: Media

“The Toad and the Snail”

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Spoiler warning! The narrator is a little boy who loves playing in the lily-pond. One day he meets a giant frog there. The frog asks the boy to admire his legs. The boy tells the frog he looks like the boy’s Aunt Emily. The frog offers to take the boy for a ride. The boy climbs on and the frog jumps. With each leap they travel fifty miles! They have tea at the Cliffs of Dover and the frog wonders if he could leap across the Channel to France. They decide to give it a try. They soar across the sea and land in a funny little French village. Immediately people come out of their houses and run towards the frog with carving knives. You see, in France they do many things differently, like using the metric system. And they eat snails and frogs! They love to chop off frog legs and fry them in dripping. The whole town was excited to see such a large toad and wanted to eat him up. The boy tells the frog that perhaps they should escape. The frog explains that he is a MAGIC TOAD and loves to come to France to tease the people. He pushes a button on his head and suddenly he turns into a giant snail. Of course, the French people love snails and are even more determined to eat him up. The boy gets scared again, but the snail pulls a lever on his shell and turns into the “gorgeous, glamorous, absurd / enchanting ROLY-POLY BIRD”! He flies away with the boy on his back. They return home to the lily pond. The boy says he never told anyone about his trip because they wouldn’t believe him. “But you and I know well it’s true. / We know I jumped, we know I flew. / We’re sure it all took place, although / Not one of us will ever know, / We’ll never, never understand / Why children go to Wonderland.”

“The Three Little Pigs”

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Spoiler warning! This poem starts out with a tribute to pigs, but then the narrator notes that some pigs aren’t very clever. One pig, for instance, built his house of straw. A Wolf saw the house, blew it down, and ate the pig inside. Soon he came to another house of sticks, and again this house was blown down and the inhabitant eaten. The Wolf then came to a third house, this one made of bricks. Much to his dismay, he couldn’t blow it down. He yelled to the pig inside that he was going to return and blow it up with dynamite. The pig decided to call for help. He telephoned Miss Riding Hood and explained that he heard she had some experience dealing with wolves. She agrees to come right over. When she gets there, she shoots the Wolf dead and the pig cheers. “Ah, Piglet,” says the narrator, “You must never trust / Young ladies from the upper crust. For now, Miss Riding Hood, one notes, / Not only has two wolfskin coats, / But when she goes from place to place, / She has a PIGSKIN TRAVELING CASE.”

Fun Stuff

“St. Ives”

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As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives.
Said he, “I think it’s much more fun
Than getting stuck with only one.”

“Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”

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Spoiler warning! Snow White’s mother dies and her father the King advertises for a new bride. He ends up choosing Miss Maclahose, who brings to the castle with her a “magic talking looking glass.” It always provides the correct answer to any question you ask. For ten years, every day the Queen asks it “Who is the fairest of them all?” The answer is always herself. One day, though, it says that Snow White is prettier. The Queen is furious and orders a huntsman to kill her. In the forest, Snow White begs for her life and the huntsman relents and lets her go. Instead he purchases a bullock’s heart which the Queen gleefully eats. Meanwhile, Snow White hitches a ride to the city and got a job as a cook and maid for seven little men. They’re all ex-jockeys and they spend all their money betting on horses down at the track. She tells them she has an idea and sneaks back into the castle. She steals the mirror off the wall and returns with it to the dwarfs’ house. They use it to predict the winner of the next day’s horse race. Eventually they all become millionaires. “Which shows that gambling’s not a sin provided that you always win.”

“The Scorpion”

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Spoiler warning! A mother tells her child that she is lucky there are no scorpions in England. The scorpion’s name is Stingaling and he is a “most repulsive ugly thing”. He has black armor-plating and a long crinkly tail. When you see his tail move, run away! “He wants to make a sudden jump / And sting you hard upon your rump.” Then the mother notices that the child looks tense. The child explains that something is crawling underneath the sheet. It crawls up her leg. Could it be the Stingaling? “It’s on… it’s on my bottom now! / It’s … Ow! Ow-ow! Ow-ow! OW-OW!“

“The Price of Debauchery”

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Spoiler warning! The narrator is a girl who explains that her mother has warned her against kissing boys. “Just one small kiss and one small squeeze / Can land you with some foul disease.” The narrator forgets the advice though and lets Tom Young steal a kiss behind the house after school. “Oh, woe is me! I’ve paid the price! / I should have listened to advice. / My mum was right one hundredfold! / I’ve caught Tom’s horrid runny cold!”

“The Porcupine”

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Spoiler warning! The narrator is a child that loves Saturdays because that’s when she receives her pocket money. On this Saturday she rushed into town and bought a bag of raspberry cream chocolates. Then she headed into the woods to find a secret place to eat her chocs. She saw a comfy looking little mount and sat down, only to find she had sat on a porcupine! She jumped up and screamed and ran all the way home. She had large wiry prickles sticking out of her bum. Her mother decided that they should go to Mr. Myers, the dentist, as he has the most experience pulling things out. At the dentist’s office, the girl is held down while Mr. Myers uses pliers to pull each prickle out. He charges the mother fifty guineas afterwards. At the end of the poem the girl says she’s learned that porcupines have quills to prevent people from sitting on them. “Don’t copy me. Don’t be a twit. / Be sure you LOOK before you SIT.”

Fun Stuff

“The Pig”

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Spoiler warning! In England once there lived a very clever pig. He could do math problems in his head and he’d read every book. He knew a lot of things, but he didn’t know what LIFE was really all about. “What was the reason for his birth? / Why was he placed upon this earth?” Eventually the pig figured out the answer: he existed for people to eat. He would be turned into bacon and ham and sausages. “Such thoughts as these are not designed / To give a pig great peace of mind.” So the next day when Farmer Bland came to feed the pig, the pig based him on the head with a mighty roar. Then the pig proceeded to eat up every bit of the farmer. He felt no remorse. “I had a fairly powerful hunch / That he might have me for his lunch, / And so, because I feared the worst, / I thought I’d better eat him first.”

“Physical Training”

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Spoiler warning! Miss McPhee is a gym-instructress and asks young Bill Smith to stay after class. She says she’s going to teach him things and make him better on the rings and vaulting horse. She says she’s going to have to hold him very tight, and then she teaches him to wrestle with her on the mat. “Oh! gosh, the things she taught to me, / Our gym-instructress, Miss McPhee!”