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Spoiler warning! This song is sung by the Centipede to celebrate the fantastic flavor of the peach. He names all of his favorite foods, like hot frogs and noodles made from poodles and dragon’s flesh, but says he’d go without a million plates of each “for one small mite / One tiny bite / Of this FANTASTIC PEACH!”
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Spoiler warning! This poem is more gibberish that Willy Wonka makes up to scare the White House. (It sounds very reminiscent of Carroll’s “Jabberwocky” from Through the Looking Glass.) Charlie later thinks that the Vermicious Knids are the grobes mentioned in the poem.
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Spoiler warning! This song is sung by the Oompa-Loompas after Mr. Wonka tells of inventing Wonka-Vite. It’s almost a commercial jingle. It explains that each Wonka-Vite will give you twenty extra years to live and make you young and beautiful again.
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Spoiler warning! This poem is spoken by Aunt Sponge and Aunt Spiker as they admire themselves on a hot summer’s day. Aunt Sponge thinks she looks and smells as lovely as a rose. “But don’t forget,” Aunt Spiker cried, “how much your tummy shows!” Aunt Spiker thinks she’s is more beautiful, but Aunt Sponge tells her she’s only bones and skin. Sponge thinks she belongs in Hollywood in the movies. “I think you’d make,” Aunt Spiker said, “a lovely Frankenstein.”
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A woman who my mother knows
Came in and took off all her clothes.
Said I, not being very old
“By golly gosh, you must be cold!”
“No, no!” she cried. “Indeed I’m not!
I’m feeling devilishly hot!”
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Hey diddle diddle
We’re all on the fiddle
And never get up until noon.
We only take cash
Which we carefully stash
And we work by the light of the moon.
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Spoiler warning! Willy Wonka sings this song to taunt the great Knid that has just bashed his end into the Elevator. He notes that the Knid’s “backside’s as big as a bus!” He offers to get the Knid a doctor (who’s actually a butcher by trade) to fix the problem. The doctor gets a spear and tries to pop the “balloon”. Alas, it doesn’t pop, and the doctor tells the Knid he will have to sit upside-down for the rest of its life.
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Spoiler warning! Hansel and Gretel’s parents are fed up with how much food their children eat, so they decide to get rid of them. They plan to take them for a walk in the woods and then to leave the children there. Hansel guesses that his parents are up to something, though, and he leaves a trail of breadcrumbs to follow back home. As expected, their parents abandon them. They’re unable to follow the breadcrumbs, though, as the crows have eaten them all. The children are frightened but a snow-white bird tells them, “Come follow me, you troubled things, / I’ll take you on my silver wings / To safety, to a lovely place / Where you can live in peace and grace!” The bird leads them to a cottage where a sweet old lady greets them. She says they must be hungry and feeds them loads of wonderful food. The second course is a curious sizzling roast of meat. The children like it but are unable to guess what it is. After dinner the woman locked Hansel in a stable and told him that she was fattening him to eat. (Here the author interjects with an explanation that the original Brothers Grimm version was much more gory and scary.) As the woman prepares the oven to cook Hansel, Gretel shoves her inside and locks the door. Then she runs to free her brother. “Hansel!” she shouts. “We’re free at last! / The foul old dame is roasting fast!” / Young Hansel cried, “Oh, well done you! / Oh, what a splendid thing to do! / But then again, you must admit / You always liked to cook a bit.”
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Spoiler warning! The speaker is a “maiden” of forty who intends to stay that way. As she is running the tombola at the church bazaar, she feels something crawling up her thigh. She thinks it is a mouse and nearly screams. She makes a quick grab to catch it and discovers instead that it’s a hand. “Great Scott! It was the vicar’s!”
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Spoiler warning! This poem follows the same plot as the traditional story but presents it as if it were a case for a jury. The three bears go for a walk to wait for their porridge to cool, and while they’re gone Goldilocks breaks into their house and eats their food. Then she sits on a precious antique baby’s chair and breaks it to bits (and says a rude word in the process). Afterwards she goes upstairs and walks on all the beds without removing her shoes. The narrator explains that in the traditional story, children are supposed to cheer when this little criminal escapes. In his version, though, Goldilocks gets her comeuppance. “Oh Daddy!” cried the Baby Bear, / “My porridge gone! It isn’t fair!” / “Then go upstairs,” the Big Bear said, / “Your porridge is upon the bed. / But as it’s inside mademoiselle, / You’ll have to eat her up as well!”
