Category: Media

“Jack and the Beanstalk”

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Spoiler warning! Jack and his mother are completely broke, so she sends him off to sell their old cow to someone wealthy. Instead he comes back with only one bean. She can’t believe his stupidity and throws the bean out onto the rubbish dump. Then she beats Jack with the vacuum cleaner handle. The next day they see that the bean has sprouted into a huge beanstalk. Jack is pleased, but his mother complains that there aren’t any beans for them to pick. Jack points out that the leaves above them are pure gold. She is entranced and tells him to climb up and cut them off. As he climbs, though, he hears a giant above say, “FEE FI FO FUM, I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN!” Jack scurries down and reports back to his mother. She tells him it’s no wonder the giant smells him, as Jack never bathes and he stinks. She decides to climb it herself. Not long after, Jack hears the giant eat her up. He realizes that if he wants the gold, he’s going to have to wash. So he cleans himself thoroughly. When he climbs the beanstalk again, the giant doesn’t smell him at all. Jack waits til the giant is sleeping and then gathers up enough gold to make himself a millionaire. “A bath,” he said, “does seem to pay. I’m going to have one every day.”

“I’ve eaten many strange and scrumptious dishes in my time…”

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Spoiler warning! This song is sung by the Centipede to celebrate the fantastic flavor of the peach. He names all of his favorite foods, like hot frogs and noodles made from poodles and dragon’s flesh, but says he’d go without a million plates of each “for one small mite / One tiny bite / Of this FANTASTIC PEACH!”

“‘I look and smell,’ Aunt Sponge declared…”

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Spoiler warning! This poem is spoken by Aunt Sponge and Aunt Spiker as they admire themselves on a hot summer’s day. Aunt Sponge thinks she looks and smells as lovely as a rose. “But don’t forget,” Aunt Spiker cried, “how much your tummy shows!” Aunt Spiker thinks she’s is more beautiful, but Aunt Sponge tells her she’s only bones and skin. Sponge thinks she belongs in Hollywood in the movies. “I think you’d make,” Aunt Spiker said, “a lovely Frankenstein.”

“Hot and Cold”

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A woman who my mother knows
Came in and took off all her clothes.

Said I, not being very old
“By golly gosh, you must be cold!”

“No, no!” she cried. “Indeed I’m not!
I’m feeling devilishly hot!”

“Hey Diddle Diddle”

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Hey diddle diddle
We’re all on the fiddle
And never get up until noon.
We only take cash
Which we carefully stash
And we work by the light of the moon.

“Hello, you great Knid! Tell us, how do you do…”

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Spoiler warning! Willy Wonka sings this song to taunt the great Knid that has just bashed his end into the Elevator. He notes that the Knid’s “backside’s as big as a bus!” He offers to get the Knid a doctor (who’s actually a butcher by trade) to fix the problem. The doctor gets a spear and tries to pop the “balloon”. Alas, it doesn’t pop, and the doctor tells the Knid he will have to sit upside-down for the rest of its life.

“Hansel and Gretel”

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Spoiler warning! Hansel and Gretel’s parents are fed up with how much food their children eat, so they decide to get rid of them. They plan to take them for a walk in the woods and then to leave the children there. Hansel guesses that his parents are up to something, though, and he leaves a trail of breadcrumbs to follow back home. As expected, their parents abandon them. They’re unable to follow the breadcrumbs, though, as the crows have eaten them all. The children are frightened but a snow-white bird tells them, “Come follow me, you troubled things, / I’ll take you on my silver wings / To safety, to a lovely place / Where you can live in peace and grace!” The bird leads them to a cottage where a sweet old lady greets them. She says they must be hungry and feeds them loads of wonderful food. The second course is a curious sizzling roast of meat. The children like it but are unable to guess what it is. After dinner the woman locked Hansel in a stable and told him that she was fattening him to eat. (Here the author interjects with an explanation that the original Brothers Grimm version was much more gory and scary.) As the woman prepares the oven to cook Hansel, Gretel shoves her inside and locks the door. Then she runs to free her brother. “Hansel!” she shouts. “We’re free at last! / The foul old dame is roasting fast!” / Young Hansel cried, “Oh, well done you! / Oh, what a splendid thing to do! / But then again, you must admit / You always liked to cook a bit.”

“A Hand in the Bird”

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Spoiler warning! The speaker is a “maiden” of forty who intends to stay that way. As she is running the tombola at the church bazaar, she feels something crawling up her thigh. She thinks it is a mouse and nearly screams. She makes a quick grab to catch it and discovers instead that it’s a hand. “Great Scott! It was the vicar’s!”